We Finally Had A Serious Talk

*Disclaimer*: There is cursing in this post because of the emotion that I put in. My opinions and what I say are not meant to offend anyone. This blog site is not a professional blog at all and it is not meant to. People are free to comment whatever they wish and ask me any kinds of questions. Also, my posts will always be pretty raw so you may find some or a lot of grammar mistakes XD.

 

June 30th, 2017

10:06 am

 

Dear Rose,

 

This morning was eventful. My father and I had a heart to heart talk where I told him almost everything. Underlining almost. Definitely didn’t tell him about the suicidal thoughts I have. Nonetheless, it was still a talk. I’m not sure how it went honestly XD. I told him how I felt, how they didn’t seem to understand me and that I was stressed out trying to be the perfect Filipino daughter. I also told him about how they talked to me, how they made it seem they didn’t respect my opinion and when I told them some things they made me feel like I was a liar. Overall, I think it went ok. He said that they did everything for me and that I didn’t try to understand them. However, I do. I do get it. They did everything for me to get me to where I am now. But the toughness of my family has consequences, psychological consequences. I try to understand them and the culture, but it’s just I don’t get it why they have to talk to me as if I don’t know anything. It irritates me. I told my father that and he says I do the same thing to them. I feel that the only way to get my point across is to be aggressive. In this family weakness isn’t really an option. Idk, I told him I understand that I have issues and I try to work on them, but you guys need to work on them too. When I’m with Matt, I just don’t act the same way. Maybe it’s because he has a much calmer personality and he works with me on my issues instead of encouraging it. I don’t know, I still think it’s better to keep things to myself than tell them…….especially about the whole suicidal thing. I know people have it worse than me, but when an emotional person can’t talk about their feelings to their parents……it blows out of portion later. All of you out there, if you have something to say to your parents, then do it. Don’t be like me and keep it all in. It makes everything worse. But, I understand if you don’t want to. I want everyone that’s reading this that they can come to me for anything and I will be there to talk. It’s better to let it out than let it stay in. Hopefully, things will get better after this. Idk…..cuz they’re stuck in their ways. I want everyone to know that I get what my parents are saying and I try to understand, I truly do. I know they’re not perfect and I’m not perfect. I just wish they would try to understand me as deeply as I try to understand them. Well gonna sign out Rose. Will keep you updated if I see any changes. I will also try my best to change my personality one step at a time 🙂 .

 

Sincerely,

The Filipino Diaries

You Gotta Read To Believe

*Disclaimer*: There is cursing in this post because of the emotion that I put in. My opinions and what I say are not meant to offend anyone. This blog site is not a professional blog at all and it is not meant to. People are free to comment whatever they wish and ask me any kinds of questions. Also, my posts will always be pretty raw so you may find some or a lot of grammar mistakes XD.

 

June 29th, 2017

8:57 pm

 

Dear Rose,

 

Today was uneventful. Just hiding upstairs from the wicked witch of the west. Hopefully, we will be able to move out of this house and have our own place. This was my parent’s worst decision ever XD. My parents are super Asian, that means I have no idea what I’m talking about when I state my opinion. It’s because I’m younger than they are. It’s frustrating because the reason why we’re in this mess is that my mother decided to move back to North Carolina……when they didn’t have much money. They moved from Florida to North Carolina and got an apartment that had a mortgage of $1,600 per month. CRAZY!!! It’s expensive because it was in the middle of Cary, an upscale city in NC. I asked them why they were living there when they could have found a cheaper apartment….but my mother just kinda ignored my opinion. They always do that. Now we are living with a woman we don’t know that does not take our schedule into consideration. She is an 80-year-old woman that has Parkinson’s disease and gets places by using a motorized wheelchair. Sad right? You won’t be saying that when you live with her. Everything revolves around her and she is super demanding. She never asks nicely to do something. She just points and tells me what to do. My parents are fed up with her and so am I. I didn’t like her from the beginning. She literally almost killed my dog twice because she was feeding Kella food off of the table. She tried to feed her chicken that had bones in it and Kella almost swallowed the bones……I TOLD HER 5 MILLION TIMES NOT TO FEED KELLA ANY HUMAN FOOD!!! She doesn’t fucking listen. When we used to take her to church with us, we told her that we are leaving at 7:00 am because the mass starts at 7:45 am. She pushed it till 11:00 am because she wasn’t ready. BITCH THIS AIN’T YOUR SCHEDULE, WE INVITED YOU TO ATTEND CHURCH WITH US NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!! There was also a time, where fucking margarine (nickname I gave the old woman) banged on the wall to get my mother’s attention to turn off a light……bitch. Also on my dad’s only day off, she told him that they needed to get her medicine and it was an emergency. My father said ok, so long as it was an emergency. They left at 8 pm and came back at 10 pm (my father didn’t eat dinner before he took her to get her medicine), 2 hours of her not getting her medicine because she was following a scam. That scam lost her $200. She is not only a bitch but a liar. I know that she’s an old woman and stuff like that, but you guys don’t live with her. She is literally the most inconsiderate woman I have ever met. Rose, I can’t wait to move out of here. Well, that’s all for today I think lol.

 

Sincerely,

The Filipino Diaries

You Do You

*Disclaimer*: There is cursing in this post because of the emotion that I put in. My opinions and what I say are not meant to offend anyone. This blog site is not a professional blog at all and it is not meant to. People are free to comment whatever they wish and ask me any kinds of questions. Also, my posts will always be pretty raw so you may find some or a lot of grammar mistakes XD.

June 28th, 2017
8:49 pm

Dear Rose,

Today was a pretty good day. It was still kind of hot but not too hot. I was watching some videos about how some Korean people were having struggles with their education system. They said that if you don’t study hard enough you may not get into one of the top universities. If you don’t get into one of the top universities, then you won’t have a high paying job. They added that even if you get into one of the top universities, there are so many people after the same job it’s a possibility that you may not get it. I feel so much for people in these types of situations. I may not know the whole story and may I have some wrong information, but anyone out there that is having trouble in college or they were forced into a major that they don’t like…..know that you are not alone. You can do it and I believe in you. I’m not sure what situation you may be in but know that you don’t have to go with the flow, it’s ok to go out of the flow and do your own thing. Life would be boring if we were all the same. You do you and I’m sure you will succeed! The next few videos I watched were about plastic surgery in Korea and in Japan. Apparently, in Korea, its common practice to have a headshot with your resume when applying for a job. Me personally, that’s weird because you’re basically judging a book by its cover. Looks aren’t everything in my opinion. Of course, dressing for the occasion, I understand, but that is a totally different story. Of course, everyone and every country has a problem with judging someone, but the headshot thing is not helping. I was interested because in America plastic surgery to an extent, but in countries like Japan and Korea, it’s a common thing to get. I personally have never thought of plastic surgery cuz it looks scary and I like the way I look. I don’t mind people who get plastic surgery because it’s their choice. I just want women to know that whatever you do I hope you are doing it for you and no one else because we are all beautiful. The only person that should dictate whether you need to physically change, is yourself. Of course, I understand it’s the trend or there are social pressures, but I want every woman and man to know they are beautiful/handsome. I also watched some videos on eating disorders and the same sentiment goes to those people. I know it’s hard to lose weight, but please do it safely. Not eating and using pills will only hurt you in the end. Some of them don’t even work. I know what it feels like to feel fat and ugly compared to some people. Although I realized, that these body trends all over the world are unrealistic. I can work out as much as I want and my hips will still be huge because that’s the way I was built. Everyone should know that everybody has a different shape and everybody has a different metabolism. Men and women who are skinny shouldn’t be putting people that are bigger than them down and people who are thick shouldn’t be putting skinny people down. We are all beautiful/handsome and we are all different. Well, that’s my two cents on the topic XD. I’m outie 5000…..I’m so lame…..

Sincerely,
The Filipino Diaries

The Feels

*Disclaimer*: There is cursing in this post because of the emotion that I put in. My opinions and what I say are not meant to offend anyone. This blog site is not a professional blog at all and it is not meant to. People are free to comment whatever they wish and ask me any kinds of questions. Also, my posts will always be pretty raw so you may find some or a lot of grammar mistakes XD.

10:36 am
June 28, 2017

Dear Rose,

I’m still salty as fuck about yesterday but I have calmed down a lot since then. Today is not too hot, which is perfect for walking my dog. I’m trying not to say much to my parents because usually when I’m pissed my mouth has no filter. Well it has no filter in general, but still…..you get my point XD. I know stereotypically what I feel about my Asian parents is normal, but I hope that there are Asian families that try to understand their child and grow as a person as their child grows older. I just feel like I don’t belong in this family. I feel weird and out of place. I would rather be with my boyfriend’s family because when I have problems they would rather calmly talk about it than ignore it or say that I don’t know what I’m talking about. One day I was talking to my parents about how being too strict may cause problems with a child. They said I didn’t know what I was talking about. First, I do because I live through it. They are the Asian parents that think they know everything about me. They don’t trust me. Who’s ever reading my posts knows more about me than they do XD. I know some people will say you should tell them about everything….but to be honest…I have given up on that. I have tried so hard to get them to be open-minded, to understand where I’m coming from, and to listen to what I have to say. It all goes from one ear and out the other because I am younger, I don’t know anything. I get it that I’m younger…..but I definitely know what I feel and what I’m experiencing. It sucks guys. When you’re a 20-year old junior college student that did their best in everything to impress them, but it isn’t enough for them to give you freedom and respect. All of my Asian brothers and sisters out there that are experiencing this…..I want you to know that I’m here for you and I totally understand what you’re going through. You’re not alone. Well, Rose, I think that’s it for now…maybe I will write another entry at night.

Sincerely,
The Filipino Diaries

The First of Many

*Disclaimer*: There is a lot of cursing in this post because of the emotion that I put in. My opinions and what I say are not meant to offend anyone. I am simply putting my thoughts out there for those Asian-Americans or anyone that experiences stuff like I do. This blog site is not a professional blog at all and it is not meant to. This is a blog to express myself and help others express their self. People are free to comment whatever they wish and ask me any kinds of questions.  Oh…there also may be some terrible grammar mistakes in this one cuz I uploaded this late sorry XD.

 

June 27th, 2017

10:02 PM

Dear Rose,

I decided to call my journal’s name Rose because it’s a favorite name of mine. I hope to name my daughter Rose if I even get a daughter XD. Today has been hell…. yet again. Fucking Margerine (the lady that allowed my parents to rent the rooms upstairs in her house, she has a terrible personality-btw that’s the nickname I gave her XD) tried to feed my beautiful dog Kella some food off of the table. Everyone that loves their pet knows that many human foods are not good for dogs because they make them gain weight and a dog’s stomach is sensitive. I told my mother about it and she said that dogs can eat anything and it was rude…..ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME????!!! It’s not rude to tell someone not to do something to my dog. MYYYYY DOG!  It’s fucking screwed up man. Then this whole thing gave me a mental breakdown because this isn’t the first time my opinion was ignored. In Filipino families, if you are younger your opinions are always wrong and you don’t know anything. So imagine you’re a 20-year old that is studying Neurology and your parents don’t think you know anything……. yep suicide. I have had thoughts of suicide since middle school. I thought they went away but they never truly left. It got worse in college. I have to stay with my parents over the summer because I don’t have an apartment of my own. It’s hell. Basically, my opinion doesn’t matter, they never try to understand or work things out with me or sit me down and ask how I am feeling. My fucking mother never says fucking sorry when it’s her fucking fault. Fucking mother fucker! I know I sound like a brat but imagine your this young adult that has great ambitions, made good decisions, has great grades, but you’re still treated like a child at the age of 20. I fucking hate it here. I literally have several mental breakdowns every time I’m with my parents for longer than a couple of weeks. They are so narrow-minded and they fucking suck. I try to understand them, I truly do…..but they never did the same for me. Now…..I’m having problems with suicidal thoughts. When you live like this 24/7 it gets exhausting and frustrating. I’m so glad I have Matt, my boyfriend. Without him….I don’t know what would happen. There is just so much pressure in my family to be perfect, to do what’s best for the family………..then there’s all the rest of the shit that’s happening. It sucks, it fucking sucks. I know people have it worse than me……but right now……what I’m going through is hard to handle. IYou kids out there that have parents that change their parenting styles age you age and based on your personality……go you. You have it good.

 

Sincerely,

The Filipino Diaries